Quite often you hear that divorce cases rarely go to trial. They say most are settled in mediation. One would think with little to divide and an amicable split, that would be easy. Mediation at its core is coming together, each party with their attorney and you pay another attorney to mediate between you. You are in separate rooms and the mediator goes back and forth. With each pass, you hope to come closer and closer to an agreement. Neither attorney wants to spend all day doing this, but that may be what’s required. Once an agreement is made, then it needs to be filed and finalized by a judge. When preparing for mediation, you need to think through all aspects of your life and if you have kids, what will impact them as well. Previously I talked about life insurance, ad litems, titles, interrogatories, CPA’s and financial planners. Having these ducks in a row before mediation will help you navigate and advocate better for yourself. I was blessed to have women from divorce care and church who reached out and shared advise from their experiences. Things like asking for your ex to carry life insurance with you as the beneficiary in the amount to cover spouse support. Knowing which cars and how the house is listed on the title can help you ask for how those need to be transferred and arrangements for division. Visiting with a CPA can help you understand how your taxes have been filed in the past and any discrepancies if any you need to be aware of in order to protect yourself. They can also inform you of what potential tax burdens you might have in certain scenarios going forward. Knowing ALL of your spouses retirement accounts beforehand is very helpful. Having proof of them (statements or records from a financial planner) will make it crystal clear what there is to divide. In most states, it is standard to split all assets 50/50 unless otherwise agreed upon. Know what you want to try and negotiate and accept you will be saying goodbye to a portion of your life.
What feels like a bad game, mediation is knowing what you want to come out with and then being willing to negotiate to keep your absolutes. There were certain non-negotiable’s for me that I would have walked away from mediation for. Mediation can also be an extremely high pressure event. Time is of the essence. You pay per hour. And if the mediator or the parties attorneys do not feel they are going to get what they want, they may try to pressure you into a “take it or leave it” situation. After a long day, you will be tired, emotions will be high and it can feel like a hopeless situation you are in. You are trying to close the chapter of what might be the only adult life you have led and someones telling you what you can and can’t walk away with at the end of it. Having a good attorney that will help advise you is so important. The threat of having to pay more and spend more time can sometimes pressure people into settling for less than what they want or need. Everything feels like a huge risk.
One of the big “I didn’t know” about mediation was, the other party can back out of it. I was under the impression that once it was done and we went through all that stress and came to what I thought was a mutual agreement, until the judge signs off on it, they can back out. I was told when I left mediation that it would be officially written up and sent in within a few days. I went on with my life. I sold our family home and moved. I paid off half our credit line debt. I dissolved joint checking accounts. It wasn’t until I woke up to an email over two months later, on the first day I was to receive spouse support, that said he wasn’t paying it that I found out my attorney didn’t follow through and my spouse had contested it with allegations. (Those were later to be unfounded after two additional court proceedings.) Once again, my world was flipped upside down and what I thought was done was only beginning.
Mediation may be the completion of divorce for some or it might only be the midway point. A good attorney will be most beneficial in helping you navigate through this. If you find yourself in a place with an attorney that is not working for you, you can change. But that’s a post for another day.
I hope what I have learned you never need to know. I also hope if you do know someone going through a divorce, you might share these posts and encourage them to reach out. Like I have said before, it was through several Godly women who had walked a similar road, that prayed with me and gave me good sound advise. I hope to give back and be that encourager to others as well. May God use even this to shine a light on Him.
Many Blessings, Jennifer